Lou's Armenian Driving School
Things To Remember During Your Stay In Armenia:
Cops have the power to revoke your license on the spot and send you to jail. Like the game of Monopoly, when you get sent to jail or have your license revoked, you can pay your way out. If you do it yourself, it will cost you $20. If we do it for you, make it $40..we have our sources. The sooner the payoff, the cheaper it will be. Our chief procurement officer paid his twenty, got out of a drunk driving charge, and got a police escort to the airport..and besides, his company owns the police station! Unlike Monopoly, the cash must be real or you will go to jail when we catch up with you!
The national speed limit is 40 kph (25 mph). They're too poor to patrol the streets so beware of a black and white car is parked on the shoulder. When the cop waves that baton at you, you're toast..pull over, there's hell to pay!
The best way for a foreigner to duck the above ticket is to plead insanity..or speak in your native tongue and pretend that you don't understand what they're saying. Documentation that you're an ignorant foreigner (even if you're not ignorant..fake it)..passports, diplomatic papers, etc..helps
You might also try out running them..I don't think that cruiser runs and we know the cop won't.
Feel free to accelerate to mach one once you have cleared the detector..that's ok. The cop has made sure the streets are safe in his zone.
Rules of right away apply in Armenia:
Rules of thumb - equate them to the rule of momentum in physics..at constant speed:
momentum=mass times velocity(if you more momentum..you win..you have the right of way.
1. A bus trumps all. You can try but you'll have to be travelling real fast and remember the speed limit.
2. It's hard to move a trolley so kindly exit the tracks when your in the path of an oncoming trolley.
3. A pedestrian is real low on the momentum scale, you have to be real fat or real fast to equal the mass of a car, bus, or trolley..i.e. you wait!
4. When the other traveller sees you hitting the brakes, temporary velocity=0, you've yielded the right of way! Proceed at your own risk..you may not like the result.
The other guy is ALWAYS the asshole.
Our traffic lights have four cycles..legally..and what they really mean:
Green - GO! Do not stop..if you stop..did you know what a warlike nation Armenia is?
Yellow - same as green.
Red - STOP! Proceed at your own risk..if the cops aren't looking. Other cars may get pissed but..who'll remember a week from now?
Yellow & Red - the light is about to change to green..the driver of the vehicle in back is crushing the horn..you'd best be on your way..did you know what a warlike nation Armenia is?
If that traffic light is out, proceed with caution without stop..like your life depended on it..because it really does!
You'll be amazed at how many rows of traffic we can fit on a four lane highway. Let's just say that if the driver in the car beside you isn't wearing any deodorant and hasn't showered in a couple of days, you'll know it. Every stop light has the potential to be an impromptu demolition derby so buckle up and..GENTLEMEN!..START..YOUR..ENGINES!
Developing a good horn technique is highly recommended. So what if you drive that man in front of you into a heart attack or into the path of an oncoming bus..your time is obviously more valuable and he was in the way..an acceptable defense.
That gray cloud of smoke may be enveloping a bus..remember the momentum equation.
That road isn't under construction..it just looks that way..we have worse!
Every road has the potential for a sheep crossing so if you don't want to buy lamb chops and a really bad all natural sweater from one pissed off shepard, watch out for those sheep!
Pedestrians and stray animals are fair game for Lou's Road Kill Cafe. Cross and eat at your own risk. You slew 'em, we'll stew 'em.
Armenians don't practice preventive maintenance so bring your own mechanic! We'll rent you ours as soon as he sobers up. The car may be belching out black smoke, lurching at every stop and go, and lights totally gone but hey, we're still moving and that's ok.
Parking conformity is optional. Even in a row of fifty parallel parked cars, if there's room only to squeeze the nose of your car in using a different parking method, do it. It's completely legal and nobody will notice..it's the norm.
When driving at night in the dark streets of Yerevan and someone has j-walked, aim for the silouette. As you're knocking them to the ground, shout out at them that j-walking is illegal where you come from.
Using lights will driving at night is required but frequently ignored. Most cops will let you off with some verbal abuse however, we do recommend that you use them as you're really hard to see from an oncoming vehicle.
Buses and cops are exempt from all motor vehicle laws.
Conformity is important. Even though you car body is cherry, it's best to take a few whacks with a hammer to your beaut. Crack that windshield. Take out a few important light bulbs..perhaps a spark plug or two..so that you fit in with the rest of the heaps. Sticking out marks you as an outsider.
Liability insurance..are you kidding? We do recommend that you have all your insurance polices paid up..just in case..especially that uninsured motorist and death and dismemberment..don't forget to make out a will..can't hurt.
Our instructors are all former cab and bus drivers with revoked licenses. Who better to know the system than those that have been through it! We have no certifications but we promise that if you can see above the dash and have the cash, you can drive.
Our rates are negotiable depending on the depth of driver's training you select. All transactions will be in USD.
We also handle passports, vehicle inspections, military surplus, payoffs to both low and high officials..you name it, if we can buy it, you'll get it!
The obligatory lawyer disclaimer: Lou's Armenian Driver's School (trademark applied for) offers you these tips for free and in no way, liable for any accidents you have after applying the into your driving practice. The motorist, pedestrian, bicyclist is encouraged to wear full crash gear and recommends that your personal vehicle includes all NASCAR approved safety equipment, including roll cages, fuel cells, crash helmet and fire suit.. as a precaution. Lou's Armenian Driving School claims no responsibility for any accidents or lawsuits you may incur. Drive at your own risk!
Lou's Armenian Driver's School hopes you enjoy your visit in Armenia. Please observe and abide by all traffic regulations.